Bryley

Fascinating

2008-10-12T10:12:00.000-07:00

I had an amazing time last night at a karaoke bar for a friend's birthday. As a student of body language, it was incredible to watch what was going on around me as the night wore on and the booze flowed. I witnessed who wanted to hook up with who, who was so drunk they didn't care, and who didn't care that their intended was so drunk they should have cared.

Think a soap opera, but with a worse soundtrack and chicks bumping grinding and seeking way too much attention.

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Online dating "don't's"

2008-08-29T11:47:00.000-07:00

Just received an email via an online dating site that opened with this.

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL FOR 35......

Hmmm...thanks?

I find it best not to YELL IN ALL CAPS, but also leave out this phrase you are beautiful for "insert whatever thing could be negative" like "old" or "fat" or "missing teeth".

I think it best to let this particular prince find another maiden to woo

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Bird Sitting - Day 10

2008-08-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

Bird sitting Day 10. Birdie likes me again - hates vacuum, door bells, and jazz tunes with a sax.

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Ping Pong Dominance Guaranteed!

2008-08-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

I know how the US will dominate in Ping Pong. All we need to do is convince the IOC to add sneaking beer and making out while our parents are upstairs to the mix.

Go USA! Go USA!

Breaking Celeb News

2008-08-08T13:21:00.000-07:00

Clay Aiken fathers a child. Air traffic controllers reporting plane/pig near mid-air misses.
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Way to go Iliza!

2008-08-07T21:41:00.000-07:00

Iliza won LCS!

Sort of sad that she was asked how it feels to represent women comics. I think she was a bit startled by the question and she answered well. Just goes to show that women in this world are not quite there...yet.

Jeff will be fine in spite of third place. He is funny and certainly attractive, so TV will come calling. I hear he is being called "the cute one".

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Gonna put your eye out!

2008-08-07T08:20:00.000-07:00

Estee Lauder and Lancome have put out battery powered oscillating mascara. Each vibrates at 7,500 and 7,000 oscillations per minute.

Apparently, this gizmo is in high demand and limited supply. Women are on waiting lists and production is around the clock to produce more.

Can't get one? Feeling inferior because your lashes are not as "defined, lifted and separated" as they could be, Dollface?
No need to attempt to wrinkle your frozen botoxed brow in sadness.

I have an idea, let's get a troop of folks with DT's to apply the regular old mascara to your eyes. Yes! That's the ticket! This way we are helping those who are struggling with alcohol abuse to put their affliction to good use. If they are unwilling, most retirement homes have enough people with the shakes to fill in. They will be happy for the company and you can eat jello and hear stories of the "good old days" when cold cream was all the beauty you needed.

What's next, high powered auto lipstick cannons?
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Derek. Sheen

2008-08-03T22:32:00.001-07:00

I just got home from the Capitol Club where they have a comedy show every other Sunday night. I caught Derek Sheen set and am blown away. He killed.

I have known Derek for a few years and always liked him personally and as a comic. I wish more people were there to see it. I am sad that no one was taping it. He demonstrated what this scene is about with smarts, biting commentary, perfect timing and a distinct voice.

Incredible!

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Prom

2008-08-03T00:53:00.000-07:00

Just got home from Lizzie's Birthday/Prom at The Deca Hotel.

The party was a blast. I wish my original prom was this much fun. Of course, my prom was on a boat, my BFF flirted with my date, and I came down with the stomach flu, so my standards were low.

Fun night!
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Why I love my neighborhood

2008-08-02T20:05:00.000-07:00

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Makes American Idol look like Masterpiece Theater

2008-08-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

The G4 channel has a game show that involves speed eating and stunts aimed at causing contestants to barf. The show, "Hurl" debuted this week.

The "winner" is the contestant who can hold it in the longest. The next show to debut is " Foot Fungus for Fun and Profit" followed by "Used Condom Volleyball Championships".

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Sign of the times

2008-08-02T19:51:00.001-07:00

I was pandhandled by a young woman for "food or gas money".

Next, I expect to hear, "Spare change for my mortgage payment?".
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Last Comic Standing

2008-08-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

I get asked a lot about what I think about LCS. I watched it last night and wonder if Jeff Dye is going to win.

Does he have years as a road comic who can spout of one dick joke after another? No. Is he a veteran of commercials or pithy comments on TV clip shows? No. Does he make funny voices or run around like a sugar crazed 8 year old at an unlimited cupcake party? No.

Then why could he be the winner?

He LOVES what he is doing and it shows. He has so much obvious joy in it that it pulls an audience in. They fall for him instantly.

Every time I have spoken to Jeff or seen him I knew he love comedy. He doesn't seem analyze every punch or tag or freak when he eats it . He loves comedy. Period.

Will see if the public feels the same and if he walks away with it.

Final note: if they went to the trouble of showing crowd shots of his parents, the producers must feel he is a strong bet.
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Beautiful morning

2008-08-01T07:48:00.000-07:00

The rain has cleaned the air and it is a beautiful morning in the city. The ride over the lake should be lovely.

It is Seafair Weekend. Boats are arriving at the log boom, the Blue Angels are practicing and the city is gearing up for parties and noise. I love how we cram some sort of street fair or festival into the summer weekends. Its a sprint from Folk Life to Bummbershoot. We power up on outdoor pursuits to make the short days of winter more bearable.
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Maybe I have it wrong?

2008-08-01T00:28:00.001-07:00

Sleep is not my friend tonight. It happens, am feeling a bit under the weather, so it is to be expected.

Have been thinking that maybe I have it wrong. Maybe day-to-day life is a series of monotonous tasks and boring meetings punctuated by interruptions and fire drills. Maybe we are all chasing some ideal that is fiction, at best.

Perhaps it is better to look for the random and beautiful moments of light, humor, and connection rather than some sugar-coated image of "happy" as the normal state of things.

I

What if?

2008-07-31T22:13:00.001-07:00

Feeling reflective tonight.

What if?

I never strike it rich?
I never buy a big house?
I never buy a fancy car?
I never lose the last few pounds?
I never see Paris, Venice, or Rome?
I never get a "fancy" job title?
I never have kids?
I never get married?

What if?
What if?
What if?

What if I stop thinking about "What if" and become thankful for "What is".

Missed that sound

2008-07-31T22:13:00.000-07:00

I am at home writing and am listening to the rain. I have not heard that sound for some time. It's nice.

(Remind me in January that at one time I missed the sound).

The best laugh

2008-04-22T19:12:00.000-07:00

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Y4keqTV6w

I love this guy's laugh. Bless his son for posting it.

Enjoy!

Love does not happen on a TV show

2008-04-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

Watching "reality" TV is making me ill. I do not watch lots of it, but what I have seen is breaking my heart.

Is it a contest? Is it a game show? Have we commodified it to the point of using it to sell ad space in two minute increments?

Love stories are compelling. "Love stories" coupled with 15 minutes of media attentiom are not.

To the darkside go I

2008-03-10T19:38:00.000-07:00

Oh dear. It's happened. I am ONE OF THEM. I have now officially become a "jargon" person. I can utilize (oh crap! I mean "use") imapactful forward thinking leading edge solution based solution meta data to move strategic objectives and add value added deliver ables to the business cycle matrix. (No! Help!! What I mean to say is I can churn out documents for my job in whatever form du jour makes the muckety mucks happy and thus conforms to the buzz words everyone uses, but no one knows really means, which makes everyone feel that at least someone knows that the heck we are doing, when really we may be kind of winging it).

I will have gone over the edge when I contemplate doing a cost/benefit matrix to analyze the ROI (Return of Investment) of my relationships.

I think I need a vacation or go an ashram somewhere. This way I can sub in new-agey jargon. I can see if my spiritual charkas and universal guiding spirit is moving me in an integrated and holistic path of self-and-universal enlightenment in a consumer centered paternalistic capitalist male dominated world

Dear "Admin@Chase.com":

2008-03-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

Dear "Admin@Chase.com":

This is in response to the approximately 15 emails you have sent me in the last 5 days notifying me that, "Your online credit card account has high-risk activity status." Firstly, I do not now, nor have I ever, had a Chase credit card. Therefore, I would certainly agree that this is, indeed, alarming. In fact, it would certainly backup the statement of "unusual activity in your account", that is, if I had an account with you in the first place.

I would like to state that offering me, and the 15 other people who are visible on the "To" line of these emails, the chance to "log in and perform the steps necessary to restore your account access as soon as possible" is certainly a great service had I ever had an account with you in the first place.

I would also like to point out that the statement "Your account access will remain limited until this issue has been resolved" is really the best course of action, as I, again, never, ever, ever, ever had an account with you--ever . And, as such, will not be logging into the system using the helpful link you have provided for this purpose.

Yours Very Truly,

A non Chase Bank Cardholder

P.S--in the interest of efficiency please pass this information along to your friends at Pay Pal who need me to perform the same actions, as I do not have an account with them either.

If Bill Gates can do it

2008-03-10T19:29:00.000-07:00

Bill Gates has quit his day job.

Damn! I wish I could quit my day job. Lucky bastard.

Bill Gates realizes that there are far more capable people to take care of the day-to-day operations of his little software company just east of here. It doesn't hurt that the company has cash and assets of 50 billion dollars. It also doesn't hurt that he personally worth more money than many countries GWP's...combined...and then add a few zeros. Bill is going to focus on running his charitable orgaization.

Wait a second....Bill is on to something.

I am hereby stepping down from the of running day-to-day operations of Bryley, Inc. After 35 years I feel it is time to step aside and let more capable folks run my day-to-day operations. We have someone lined up for toothcare and cleaning, hair grooming, and nail maintence. We are taking a "leading edge" approach to dressing and have appointed a cross-functional commitee to deal with clothing/shoes/accesories.

A board of trustees will handle all matters of dating and socializing, as this is an area we feel a crack team of strategic thinkers, innovators, and fast-acting-forward -focused-asset-driven-go-getters will make meaningful inroads. This is the largest area of "growth opportunity" we have identifed. Exciting things are on the horizon and this team is up to the challenge! Full disclosure: we expect a high turnover in this area and will be sure to up our recruitment to handle resource turnover.

Soon we hope to develop a proven and innovative approach to getting her anywhere close to on-time. It has long been known, by "The Street" that punctualiy is key area operational area that has been under-utilized and shown a negative trending trend line. She was 3.2 percent more late that the same figures show for Q4/08. We think this will be turned around with an infusion of fresh operational synergery.

Bryley will focus her time on her charitible endevours. These include sorting through all the chartible organization mailers that chock up her mailbox and seperating her recyclables.

What's in a name?

2008-03-10T19:27:00.000-07:00

What's in a name...

Given the trend of parents naming thier kids "unique" and "unusual" names, I feel my siblings (Rayn and Myla) and I need to raise the bar if we ever have kids. Soon there will be pre-schools full of "Apple's", "Moxie's", and "Shiloh's". ( For the record, other top contenders for my name were "Phoebe" and "Raspberry". Seriously. Raspberry - thank god my Dad intervened on this one.)

So, I have decided on the name of my child, should I ever have one. (I am not pregant, or planning on being pregnant in the near future.)

Popsicle Ukelehle Speed Muffin Umlaut Hyphen-Ampersand Jane Jensen Hull-(insert his last name here).

Top that Angelina! My kid will be the most orignial, most less -likely- to- ever- have- a -job- that- requires-a-nametag-because-my-parents-gave-me-a-wacky-name-to-show-how-original-they-are,-who cares-if-they-get-the-crap-beat-out-of-them -everyday-at-school name EVER!

2008-03-10T19:23:00.000-07:00

My apartment building has a Free area in the laundry room. Its a cool feature and it a great way to get rid of usable stuff you dont want to toss out.

List of things I have seen on the Free table over the years:

* A Lonely Planet Guide to New Orleans (about a week after Katrina so sad).
* 8 Track tapes
* Military Training Manuals (what was the story there, I wonder)
* Law school textbooks from the 70s
* Gay Porn (it was on the table when I put my laundry in the washer, and gone when I put it in dryer.)
* Many, many little hotel bottles of shampoo and mini soap bars
* A copy of The Artists Way, next to blank canvases, oil paints, and an easel (clearly, they did not do their morning pages).
* Countless IKEA bookshelves and entertainment units with the hinges falling off and drawer pulls missing

The most remarkable thing was there today - a pack of Plan B emergency contraceptive pills.

What the hell happened to the women who put there? Did she eventually realize she and her one-nighter did use a condom? Did she start her period? Did she miss the 72hr window to take the pills? Did she take an early pregnancy test and find out she is pregnant and is now going to have an abortion? Did she decide she wants to be pregnant?

If at one time, you needed Plan B, would you give it away if you did not need it anymore? Would it make you take precautions so you will not need it again in the future?

I took a peek at the Plan B website and found this bit Because unprotected sex can happen when your healthcare professionals office is closed, you may want to ask your healthcare professional for a prescription for Plan B® in advance. How are we to read that statement? Unless you plan on having unprotected sex, m-f, during regular business hours, you should follow the Boy Scout Motto and Be Prepared?

It is going to be hard to see other women in my building and not wonder if they were the one who put the pills on the table, that's for sure.

2008-03-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

As of this weekend, I know 6 couples who are getting married in the next year. Due to the increase of my friends/family members who are getting hitched, I am paying more attention to marriage, really the idea of it- than ever before. This does NOT mean I am hoping to get married in the near future. Far from it, rather, I am thinking about it more and picking it apart (like I do everything else in my life. Last year it a was 'how did we get into the Iraq war and how did it spin out of control into a total civil war" Blog post coming soon on that topic.).

I found this interesting article in the NY times because it made me really stop and think.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/17/fashion/weddings/17FIELDBOX.html?em&ex=1167886800&en=eddc5880e17ea238&ei=5087%0A

December 17, 2006
Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying
Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other's financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another's ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other's spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other's friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other's parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other's family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other's commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

I can think of several couples whose marriages disolved because they didn't ask each other the quesstions above. If it were me, I would add a few more questions:

Are you a morning person? If I stay up till 4 am will it piss you off if you get up at 6, and I yell at you to shut up because I need to get some rest? (Just asking. Total hypothetical)

When you share a bed, do you somehow turn into a 300 degree ball of body heat and need to open all of the windows and throw the covers off because you feel like the firey furnaces of hell are in your bedroom? (Again, not that this applies to me).

Do you like to sit around watching bad reality TV feeling guilty because you have a bookshelf full of "important works of literature" that you had EVERY intention to read-but didn't get around to it because a re-run of "Beauty and the Geek" is on? (Again-this totally does NOT apply to me.)

Have you ever made a pan of fat-free browines, and while they were cooking, at half the jar of icing (not fat free)? Did you only buy the browines because you wanted a carrier for the frosting and was in such denial that you couldn't just buy the icing for the sake of eating it without the "cover" of making browines? (I have NEVER done this. EVER. Really).

If you were invited to family reunion for your wif-er...partner's family (distant cousins-hardly ever see them) are you afraid/intimidated/judgemental of people who wear "trucker hats", cowboy boots, and Peterbuilt belt buckles without any sense of irony? Can you eat your body weight in meat/potatoes/ambrosia salad? Do you like wine out of box? With ice?

Communication: The key to a lasting partnership.

The Secret?

2008-03-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

have heard so much buzz about, "The Secret" that I am thinking about watching the movie. I did some basic research on the Internet and read a few reviews-both positive (downright glowing, in fact), and negative.

Here is what I have learned..

"The Secret" seems to lie with the "Power of Attraction". In other words, if you ask the universe for something-and you truly believe it, you will get it. Like the universe is a "catalog" and you just select from it with your correct "energy vibrations".

When I was five I wanted a pony and my little brother to turn into a Barbie Doll. Did I get this wish.? No. But trust me what I say this, I really really wanted to be free of my little brother.

Let me catalog a few things in my life that I have really really really wanted:

To be an astronaut.

To marry Ricky Shroeder (I was 11, but trust me, I really really wanted that. Tween heart throbs pale in comparison to the wholesome blond goodness of the "Rickster" circa the early 80's).

To be with , uh, that one guy from college. Crap. What was his name? Scott? No. Mark? Anyway, I really wanted him at the time, but I can't remember much about him now. Funny how that works. It's like my want was somehow..transitory. Almost like it was..better for me somehow in the long run not to end up with him. Strange. ...

I guess another premise of "The Secret" is that "great thinkers" of history have known The Secret and used it for themselves and we are "just now" getting the chance to use it ourselves.

Kept it to themselves!?! Didn't share it?!!? What a bunch of selfish bastards! How dare Aristostle and Abe Lincoln keep the secret quiet for so long!?! Jerks.

Look, I believe in being postive, open, working hard for what you want, and being less of an asshole when it is often easier to be more. I believe that it takes vision, desire and action to get what you want, and that it is not always easy to make your dreams real. But I hardly think "The Secret" is to want it bad enough for the universe to "give it to you" just because you "vibrate the right energy".

If you don't believe me ask my brother. The one that didn't turn into a Barbie Doll.

Trust account (not the Paris Hilton kind)

2008-03-10T19:06:00.000-07:00

I read this and think it applies to so much more than the workplace. I can see it in any sort of relationship or group dynamic. The second bullet point applies esp. to dating.

I like the idea of trust bank account. I know many who are WAY overdrawn.

Workplace Coach: Building trust builds your career
Monday, May 14, 2007

By MAUREEN MORIARTY
SPECIAL TO THE P-I

The P-I is launching a new column offering simple, practical advice to advance your career. Maureen Moriarty, executive and leadership development coach and trainer, provides tips each Monday on how to succeed in the workplace. Whether you are on a challenging workplace team, a new manager or an experienced leader, these lessons from the Workplace Coach offer a best-practice guide to increase your effectiveness in the workplace.

Developing and maintaining trust is critical to success in your career, workplace teams, leadership and business. It is the foundation for individual and team performance. But trust can be difficult to earn and far too easy to lose.

Think of having a personal trust account much like your bank account. Every action you take with your customers, team, boss and direct reports is either a deposit into the trust account -- or a withdrawal.

If you overdraw, you risk bankruptcy. Careers and businesses can be derailed because of a single incident and overdraft on the trust account.

How do you gain and keep trust? This isn't rocket science -- more like everything you learned in kindergarten. Here are a few guidelines:

Do what you say you will do. If you commit to something, take responsibility and deliver. Better yet (to build overdraft protection), exceed their expectations. One of the surest ways to destroy workplace or client/customer trust is to overpromise and underdeliver. Avoid automatically saying yes to all requests. Know your limitations and resources. Commit to only those requests you know you can deliver on.

Be genuine and congruent. Most of us can spot a faker, pretender or workplace politician. Sometimes you can't put your finger on it -- you just know something about this person isn't trustworthy. A caution flag goes up in our hearts or gut that says, "Something is wrong with this picture." When the words the person is speaking don't match up with their non-verbal cues (the video we see doesn't match the audio we hear), we lose trust. Be mindful of the messages you are sending -- your tone of voice, eye contact and other non-verbal signs. Trying to fake or hide how you feel and what you think and want can increase the likelihood of others mistrusting you.

Be clear and concise in your communications (including e-mail!). Communicate to be understood. Ask others to repeat multifaceted instructions or complex ideas for clarity. If you are one of those people who use too many words or don't know when to stop talking, people may avoid you. Pause and let someone else in the conversation versus rambling or overexplaining yourself.

Listen well. Be careful about spending too much of your communication time in tell or lecture mode. Spend an equal or greater amount of your time listening to understand the other. By the way, if you are crafting your reply or rebuttal in your head while the other is talking -- you aren't listening. Many leaders spend too much time telling and not enough time listening. I've never heard a leader criticized for listening too much. To listen better, be curious, paraphrase (you'll pay closer attention if you know you have to summarize their words) and ask clarifying questions.

Avoid gossiping. What happens when you hear a co-worker back-stabbing another co-worker? Likely you make a note to self not to trust him or her because it's logical to assume one day you may be the target. If you have an issue with someone, have the courage and integrity to take it up with him or her directly. Back-stabbing is often a career derailer.

Generously give credit to others. Self-promoters are typically not trusted. Spend less time promoting yourself and more time giving credit to your team or direct reports.

Don't hide the truth. Be transparent with co-workers, bosses and clients/customers. Most of us don't like surprises and have no tolerance for being lied to or misled. It is often an "unrecoverable" in the trust account -- ask anyone hurt by Enron, Tyco and Worldcom.

Be flawless with your word. Honesty and integrity will get you everywhere. There is no better mantra for success and building trust in the workplace -- period.
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/pitogo/315518_workcoach14.html

Dear Neighbor,

2008-03-10T19:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks,

for being up at 5:15 AM on a Saturday morning. I appreciate you letting your herd of lead-footed-ponies out so early to do step aerobics on the hardwood floors above my bed. Ponies need excersise early on a Saturday morning, clearly. So good of you to take such good care.

Thanks for banging around in your kitchen and yakking on your phone, too. Wait, maybe you were talking to the ponies?

I am so happy that I have the chance to watch the sunrise. I had not planned on watching it, because, silly me, I wanted to GET SOME REST today. On the bright side, thanks to you, I will be enjoying my day supported by caffeine and advil.

XXOO

Such a rebel

2008-03-10T19:02:00.001-07:00

Such a rebel! (Cue the Elvis music)
A hightlight of the recent past has been to break the rules at the Seattle Art Museaum.

Yesterday, I went to see the new space. It rocks and you should go.

If you go, do not, I repeat DO NOT, chew gum and let of the guards see you. Seriously. I got busted by someone who probably has more college than I do, for chewing gum in the gallery. I was interogated if I had "read the signs" about gum on my way up the elevators. I clearly had not, but found myself wondering if I should swallow the gum or just hand it to her as she was so keen on me chewing it. I felt like a truant in the 50's and worried if I would get sent to the Vice Pricipal's office next because my poodle skirt is too short.

Later, I went to a sock-hop, got a cherry coke at the drugstore, and necked with a greaser at the overlook.

Hydration Assistance Fees?

2008-03-10T18:55:00.000-07:00

I'm being charged for what?

Having just reviewed the last, and final, bill for a series of recent medical issues (I'm a-okay. Routine stuff, blah, blah, blah) I am ticked off. On my last bill, which is a summation of what I owe after Aetna "Was removing that hachet from your brain a pre-existing condition? No. We won't cover that", very nicely itemized my bill. One line item is "lab transportation fee--$38.45". What?! I was charged a fee to send the samples to the lab. Are you kidding me? Isn't the lab IN THE SAME AREA as the doctor's office in Swedish Hospital?!? Isn't First Hill infested with medical facilities, and one would assume, several labs that are in WALKING distance, if not the SAME BUILDING as the office/hospital?

Had I known I was going to be dinged for walking a sample down the street I would have done it myself. Ferchristssake!

I'm surprised they didn't charge me a "hydration and urine swabbing fee" for the water I drank prior to and TP I used when I peed in the stupid sample cup.

Dear Redwoood Patrons,

2008-03-10T18:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Redwood Patrons,

Yes, you are interesting and posses infinite quantities of "cool".. I know this because you look like you stepped out a Pat Benetar video (not "Love is a Battlefield" because I doubt Red Light has WWII aviator helmets, but you get the point), even though you were not yet born when MTV played Pat Benetar videos (or played videos, for that matter).

I also know you are cool because I live across the street from the bar and am lucky enough to observe you in your natural drunken element. Of course, my level of cool and interesting has peaked, (circa Linda's, Moe's, and Eileen's (RIP) ) so the lessons of your hipness is lost on me. No problem. I appreciate the example you are so desperately trying to instill with your skinny jeans, shaggy hair, and heavy black eyeliner, but feel your message of what it is to be so hip is better served by not screaming as you walk down the block at night yelling at the top of your lungs after said bar closes. Sadly, your message is dulled as those of us that could most benefit are trying to get some f&*)ing sleep.

Thanks in advance for your time and inattention to this matter!

xxooxxoo

The Odyssey Years - We’re not aimless, we’re on a epic journey. Whew!

2008-03-10T18:40:00.000-07:00

The NY Times recently ran an op-ed article that I found very encouraging. Apparently, the years between college and adult-hood are now extended since so many of us are not settling down. We are not aimless slackers-we are in the "Odyssey" phase. The Odyssey Years

"There used to be four common life phases: childhood, adolescence, adulthood and old age. Now, there are at least six: childhood, adolescence, odyssey, adulthood, active retirement and old age. Of the new ones, the least understood is odyssey, the decade of wandering that frequently occurs between adolescence and adulthood."

I feel much better about myself. I am not delaying adulthood, I am on a quest! Ha! So I don't have a house/car/boyfriend...I'm slaying things and wandering the world (okay-wandering Seattle, or sitting at home watching TV-but it's the Travel Channel so that has to count for something). I'm not a slacker, I am taking part in a new movement.. Whew!

I really like this part "Educated women can get many of the things they want (income, status, identity) without marriage, while they find it harder (or, if they're working-class, next to impossible) to find a suitably accomplished mate."

It's not me and my intimacy issues or complete inablity to flirt. It's not that I am totally oblivious to any sort of come-on and tblow any sort of dating life that I have on the second date..it's society. I am not at fault for my total lameness in dating, .it's my level of education. The NYT has spoken and I feel so much better! Yippeee!

So, if we are all Odysseyus what is the Cyclops? What enemy do we have to slay? Social Security? Global warming?

We’re not aimless, we’re on a epic journey. Whew!

I feel much better about myself. I am not delaying adulthood, I am on a quest! Ha! So I don't have a house/car/boyfriend...I'm slaying things and wandering the world (okay-wandering Seattle, or sitting at home watching TV-but it's the Travel Channel so that has to count for something). I'm not a slacker, I am taking part in a new movement. Whew!

I don't know, but I all of sudden feel much better at this moment that I lack a mortgage and boyfriend.

Tough times are ahead

2008-02-26T17:23:00.001-08:00

Friends, dangerous times are ahead.

Am I speaking of an ever stronger Taliban presence in Afghanistan?
Further corporate scandals?
Increased home foreclosures and a stalling economy?
War?
Pestilence?
Plague?
Another republican in the White House?

No, I speak of a far more insidious enemy: An enemy that plies its evil trade under the guise of sweet innocence and adorable youth.

Girl Scout Cookie Season.

It is that time of year where unsuspecting adults are at the mercy of green uniformed little girls hawking gloriously baked carb and sugar laden evilness. Try to resist the pull of the coconut caramel crunchy mouth-watering perfection of Samosas. Try to turn away and resist the siren call of Thin Mints and Lemon Coolers! Peanut Butter Tagalongs melting in your mouth...Noooooooo!

Good luck, my friends, as we maneuver though these most treacherous of times.

My thoughts are with you in battle.

2008-02-19T21:14:00.000-08:00

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Last night

2007-12-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

Had one of those great nights that makes glad I don't live in the suburbs.

I needed a mellow low-key night to be alone and get to bed early. After work, I walked around a bit and bought some magazines at Bulldog News. I took the magazines to the B&O and had a nice glass of wine, some good food and read.

I walked a bit more and discovered a new bisto, Thomas St.Bistro, that I am looking forward to trying very soon. The menu looks good, but more than that, the place looks interesting and a bit off-the-beaten path. The place is tiny, no more than 6 tables, but charming.

Nights like this, where I can leave my house, walk around and stumble on something cool makes me pleased I live in a city.

Skydiving

2007-12-23T13:05:00.000-08:00

"So, are you in or are you out?" my friend Willow asked me.

"I'm in."

"Great. I'll e-mail you the details soon".

One phone call from my friend Willow on a very hectic Monday morning and my life would change .I had just agreed to join Willow and few friends in two weeks for a skydiving trip.

Great, I thought to myself. What have I agreed to do?

I suppose, in some ways I was always a risk taker, or more accurately, a closet risk taker. I have climbed Mt. Everest. I have piloted a jet. I have hiked into the darkest, dankest, most fetid reaches of the jungle and dove to the bottom of the sea--all, of course, in my head. I kept these thoughts to myself because I am not an “outrageous” person. Nothing on my person was pierced, bleached or tattooed. I was neutral--keeping my need for adventure tucked away gazing into a computer monitor day after day safely tucked away in the gray walls of my cubicle. This was abruptly about to change.

The two weeks leading up to the date I spent either jumping from nervous distraction to total exhilaration. I wanted to work into every conversation, "Hey, I am going to jump out of airplane. Can you believe it? Pardon me? Yes, a paper bag is fine."

The point came when I needed to inform my parents of my little adventure. This was not to get their approval, but so they could plan for any medical or mortuary needs that may arise in the aftermath. My mother, in typical Mother fashion, took a deep breath and said, in a register so high that neighborhood dogs howled in communion, " Well, I can't stop you, but just remember I die before you do."

The conversation with my father was less eardrum piercing. "Dad, next weekend I am going to jump out of an airplane,” I said. "You're going to what?" he asked as I could hear him start to pace from the kitchen to the dining room.

"I going skydiving next week with Willow," I said over the rhythmic cadence of his shoes on the wood floors.

"B--a--a--a--b--e...why?" he pleaded, the situation far too dire to call me by anything other than my nickname.

“Because it sounds like fun and it's a great chance to try something I have always wanted to do", I replied in defense.

"Are you going to pay for this fun?".

"Uh....yes"

"So, (sound of breakneck pacing) you're going to jump out of a plane and PAY to do it when you might not make it down alive?"

I affirmed my decision and heard the pacing abruptly stop as if he had an epiphany. "Why don't you come over here and we can tie a sheet around your neck and you can jump of the deck for free,” he proposed. Ah yes, my Dad, always looking to save a buck while offering his wayward progeny an alternative to death and injury. He is nothing if not solution oriented and thrifty.

A week later, after avoiding calls from my parents, Willow some friends and I were on our way to the skydiving company in Shelton. The drive down began in high spirits. We laughed, joked and carried on as we drove drown the deserted early morning freeway on our journey south.

In Olympia, we stopped to grab some food. I thought to myself, I am not hungry, but I should eat something. What do I want as a possible last meal? I want pancakes. Wait--not pancakes. I do not want to barf up pancakes. What is quick to digest and will not be barfed up. Luna bars---I will have Luna bars. I am ever the pragmatic adventurer.

About an hour later, we pulled into the parking lot of the airport. The van was silent as what we were about to do hit home. The sound of the little planes filled the air and the sun bounced of the tarmac as we saw people craning their necks up to the sky watching the little dots of people drift closer to the ground. Soon, I would be one of the little dots.

The first order of business after checking in was to view an instructional video and then sign the proper release forms. This seemed simple enough; watch a video, sign some forms, get into the gear, meet the instructors and away we go into the wild blue yonder of fun and adventure. However, as the video started the first words out the mouth of the narrator were, "...injury, equipment failure...death." The video was certainly not the most serenity inducing bit of narration ever committed to celluloid.

The next step was to fill out several of the aforementioned release forms. The paperwork exempted all of the following from any lawsuit brought by me, my family or anyone I knew, met, or passed on the street in the unfortunate event of my death or injury: the airport, the pilot, the instructors, the equipment manufactures, or anyone and everyone associated with the jump. This list even appeared to include: the person that packed the chute, to the woman who ran my credit card at the front desk, to the person at the pen company that supplied the pen I used to sign the form. I could not even sue myself at this point.

After the administrative stuff, it was on to the fun part--waiting. We sat around the airport for close to four hours until the planes were ready to go. I used this time to alternately sit and then pace (I am my father's daughter) around the little airfield.

Between bouts of sitting and pacing, I noticed a young man packing the chutes. He was about 15 years old; skinny with a mop of sun bleached blond hair and probably had not even had his first pubic hair yet. I decided to speak to the young man and see how his day was going as he held the key to if I lived or not.

"Hi. How are ya?" he said with a cute pubescent smile on his whiskerless face as I walked over to him.
"Don't worry about me, I'm fine,” I nervously spit out. " How are YOU doing today? Can I get you anything, coffee, water, a muffin? Are you feeling good? Are you experiencing anything that is preventing your full concentration on packing the chutes; any family problems, girl problems? Are things at school okay? Just let me know if you need anything, anything at all."

"I'm...fine.... thanks," he said slowly as he went back to packing the chutes. I took this as my cue to start wearing out the flooring in they other room.

After a few more hours of pacing and moving from exhilaration to extreme boredom, it was finally time to get into the harness and the rest of the proper attire. My outfit consisted of a yellow jumpsuit, a pointy leather hat, and goggles. The bright yellow jumpsuit I tried on fit height wise, but would not zip all the way up in the chest (I am a bit, shall we say, boobular.) I discreetly pointed out the zipper situation to one of the instructors. First, he stared at my chest for minute. I would like to think he was trying to figure out which size jumpsuit would better fit someone of my proportions and not just ogling my boobs and t-shirt spilling out of the canary yellow fabric. Eventually, he procured a baby blue jumpsuit that fit in the chest, but required cuffing at the ankles at writs. I felt like a cross between the chubby Elvis and a penitentiary inmate wearing what looked like a leather condom as a hat.

The next task was to get into the harness. This went well until the instructor tightened the chest strap so much that I started to hyperventilate. I gestured to him to loosen the straps and as he did I tried to gain control of my breathing and appear calm. This required further pacing. After a minute or two, I was able to breathe normally, or as normally as possible given that in a few minutes I was going free-fall towards the ground at 120 mph. If I was nervous earlier, it was nothing compared to how much adrenaline was now coursing through my body.

The next step in courting death was a briefing by my tandem jump instructor, Monty, who I liked instantly. He was easygoing, tanned and confident, as I expect one who courts death and adventure on a daily basis would be. I do not imagine many Type A's would relish the thought of being grounded into the dust on a daily basis. Besides a three piece suit is most uncomfortable under a harness.

Monty's instructions were brief and they quickly became my mantra:

* Do not grab my hands
* Do not let go of the chute

The time had come to board the little plane and ascend to 10,000 feet. While Monty strapped us together in the tandem harness I repeated my mantra, but now it had changed into:

* Do not pass out
* Do not throw up

While I focused on repeating my mantra, the plane's engines throttled back. The deafening noise of the engines lessened so that I was sure Monty could hear my heartbeat. It would be a few seconds before we moved to the door and I was to stand at the opening with Monty behind me as I crossed my arms at my chest and waited for Monty to count down before we exited the little plane. It is difficult to describe the intense thoughts and feelings that raced through me. Mainly, it did not seem real, it felt as if I was watching myself in a movie--my brain could not fully connect with what I was seconds away from doing.

This was it. When the door opened and I felt the cold air hit my face as I looked down at the earth from 10,000 feet, it became rapidly and very real. A snippet of a thought crossed my mind as I bent my head back to get into position, curled my legs up, and between Monty's, "This is the stupidest thing I have ever...". Before I could finish the thought, we gently rolled out of the door and the droning of the engines faded as we fell away from the plane. I was in awe as I looked up to see the plane flying away against the bluest sky I had ever seen.

During the first few seconds, of repeating my mantra, I noticed that I was holding my breath. Somewhere back in my brain I must have thought this was like jumping into a pool. A second later I realized that I had done it! I was flying! Okay falling through the air at 120 mph, but the sensation I think is much the same.

In freefall, I craned my neck to take in as much as I could. Monty tapped my shoulder as the signal to spread out my arms and to help keep us stable. After stabilizing, I moved my hands in from of my face just to prove to myself that I was not in a plane looking out the little round window. I guess I still needed to convince myself that there was nothing encasing me and this was real.

Finally, Monty pulled the parachute cord. I felt the a powerful jolt as the bright colored chute expanded with air (the teenage kid had done it!) All was silent except for the fluttering of the chute fabric against the wind as we slowed down considerably and drifted closer to the ground. This gave me a chance to take in more of the view. To the west, the Pacific Ocean and the Olympics stretched to the horizon. To the north the cities of Seattle, Tacoma and Olympia surrounded by green trees and blue water. To the east rose the Cascades and Mt. Rainer. I could even see Mt. Adams to the south. The vista was breathtaking and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, and a bit of regret that soon it would be over and I would be on terra firma once again.

The landing was smooth but I barely managed to stand up as we touched down. My knees were weak from the adrenaline and my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. My friends were there to hug me and help me take off the harness and goggles, my hands were shaking too much to do it myself. All I could do was walk around the drop zone with an ear-to-ear grin on my face until my heart stopped racing. I had just spent the best 30 seconds of my life.

This adventure was in the summer of 2000. I have had many others since. The most important and probably most terrifying, is stand-up comedy. I would never have thought I had it in me to get on stage and use the dumb, scary, infuriating or silly things that I do to entertain a room full of strangers had I not jumped out of the plane that day.

To this day, I find I can do just about anything as long as I remember my little mantra:

Do not pass out
Do not throw up

Love, 1984 Style

2007-12-23T12:51:00.000-08:00

RFID (Radio Frequency Identification) has been in the news lately. Most recently, a Bellingham man and a Vancouver woman embedded RFID chips into their hands that had been programmed to allow access to each others homes, car doors, and computers among other things.

RFID technology is mostly used track things. Retailers such as Wal-Mart use it to track each individual item in the store, to know when to replenish stock or quickly check in merchandise. Storing medical information is another common use. Future uses could be to store banking info so that all you need to do it walk through the doors of store with your chipped merchandise and have your account debited without every going through a checkout stand.

Privacy advocates are outraged. Some feel this is the birth of “Big Brother” and the chip is the “mark of the beast”. Soon, the government will track us all, our medical status will be monitored, our bank information accessible to anyone with a RFID reader. Scary stuff, no?

Let’s go back to our “chipped” love birds. Would you be willing to do this? Think about it—your movements, medical information, and bank info would be out there. What if this happened? Boyfriend goes “out to Wal-Mart to pick up some stuff.” Girlfriend tracks boyfriend via RFID.

Upon return of BF, GF says:
“Honey, why were you circling the same block near the airport for 20 minutes? You seem to stop, the weight of your car increased by about 115lbs. You then parked down an alley. Next, it seemed your heart rate, blood pressure and breathing jumped, steadily increasing until you had an involuntary muscle spasm and an increased rush of endorphins. Shortly after your heart rate slowed, and then fifty bucks was debited from your account. How was Wal-Mart, big sale, eh?”

Maybe not the best use of a "Blooper" reel

2007-12-22T12:39:00.000-08:00

My next adventure is a tandem paragliding trip. The company that does the tandem flight has a website, that in addition to providing the facts about the cost, etc, also provides a helpful and instructive “blooper” reel.

Really? A "blooper" reel.

“Remember the time you blew the landing and crashed into the ground at 130 mph and broke every bone in your body? That was soooo funny and we have it on tape! It’s up there with the time Steve dangled upside down from that tree for 12 hours. Look at how red his face is and his eyes are bulging out a bit in this photo. What a riot!. Hey! Let's put this on the web so prospective clients can see it. That will inspire confidence."

80/20 rule?

2007-12-22T11:52:00.000-08:00

I have lots of fantastic male friends. Many I spend lots of time with. All are attractive, fun, interesting, and I enjoy their company.

Why am I still single?

The 80/20 rule.

I can have 80% in common, feel attraction, etc. to someone and not act on it. The reason is the remaining 20% is really important to me. The 20% is more than feeling someone is 'hot", or funny, or has lots of material stuff. It is who they are as a person. Are they kind? Mature (better put, no more or less mature than I am). Do they have their shit more or less together? Are they self-aware? Do they listen? Are they stuck behind a persona that never drops away?

I would say the 20% carries more weight than the surface 80%. The 20% is the deeper, scary, "who you really are layer". It's the uncomfortableness of showing yourself and seeing someone beneath the surface and seeking a level of honesty, compassion and awareness that we so often gloss over because we are lonely, or drunk, or needy, or whatever..

Here's to the 20%. May we all find it someday.

I heart the oboist

2007-12-20T21:30:00.000-08:00

Went to the Symphony again and this time I had a different experience. Thankfully, “The Slurper” was not in earshot. I hope that she decided to forgo the ribs before the performance.

I did discover a new crush, the first chair oboist. Oh yes, my thing for musicians is still there, but has morphed from guitar players and drummers to… wind instruments. I do not know how it happened, but it did.

The principal oboist is young, cute and, plays beautifully. I realized something-- a classical player has amazing lip and mouth control, is able to follow conductor directions, can gently coax the nuances out of a song until the final crescendo. Etc. All over a long period, and is probably not a drug addict. Think about it—who ever heard of a strung out French horn player? A cellist smashing up the stage or a coked out flutist. Ever hear of a second viola trashing a hotel and waking up in a pool of vomit? No, you have not (yes, I know that Mozart was a bad boy and probably could have done his share of damage if given a hotel bar and a night in Vegas, but for the sake of argument, go with me on this.)

And yet they have still a passion for music and are creative, artistic, and probably have some brains. Eureka! I think I have found an untapped market; young classical musicians!

Ladies prepare your thongs and powered wigs and meet at the stage door after the show. They are doing a Strauss piece and it is heavy on the wind instruments.

A Night at the Symphony

2007-12-20T20:57:00.000-08:00

Talk about High Class

I was given two free tickets to the Seattle Symphony recently. I am not a classical music fan, per se but I do have some classical music CD’s and listen on occasion. I could not tell you the difference between Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms, but I thought it would be interesting to hear such complex music played live. Plus, the deal included a free catered reception at a great restaurant beforehand and a wine tasting at intermission.

The one thing I noticed right off the bat is how quiet the audience is once the music starts. It is somewhat eerie how totally still people are, and it became part of the whole experience noticing how absolutely silent everyone is.

Good. Silence is a virtue, etc…

Then it started.

The teeth sucking sound began to my left. It was the sound of someone who has a morsel of dinner in a far back tooth. You know, the sound you make when you have eaten a whole ear of corn on the cob and are afraid to open your mouth lest you have a corn kernel smile.

Now, one or two sucking, smacking slurping sounds are fine. It’s kind of gross, but hey, it’s happens to all of us. Get it out. Move on.

This sucking, slurping and smacking went on for the whole 2 hour performance, at around 2 minute internals. Nonstop. Suck. Slurp. Smack.

At one point, I thought that maybe the” Slurper” had Tourettes. That theory was blown when I isolated the sound as coming from a woman in leather pants, a fur coat, and big old rocks on her fingers. You see, following every few suck, slurp, smack she would dig one long fake fingernail into the same spot on her mouth. As a bonus, every time she did this her ring would catch the light like a beacon. (Had we been outside planes would be trying to land on us after confusing the flashing light from her big old rock with runway lights.). So, she was not disabled, she just did not have the courtesy to give a shit.

It became apparent that other audience members could here “The Slurper”, too. Every 50 seconds a different head in the rows in front of us would turn around craning their necks to see what in the hell was making such a god-awful noise. It became a game to see who would turn around next. Would it be the grey-haired couple on the aisle this time? The lady with her hair in a ponytail? Look, now it’s two rows ahead of us. Benoroya Hall must have amazing acoustical properties to amplify that noise so far into the audience. After one particularly exuberant slurp, I was surprised the conductor did not stop to offer the lady some floss.

At that point, the whole thing became unbelievably funny in one of those Jesus-this-is-the-wrong-place-to-bust-up-but-I-just-cannot-stand-it way; like being at church, a murder trial, or a funereal sort way. I started thinking about depressing things to keep from laughing—sick puppies, Republicans, dead kittens, past romantic failures-- anything to stop from giggling. Then, one of men in front of us got from his chair and ran out of the hall. Clearly, he could not hold his laughter in any longer (or maybe he did not have the same sort of romantic failures than I have had to draw on.)

There is one thing I am sure of had this been monster trucks show the smacker would have had the common courtesy to get a toothpick and take care of it. So much for high-class, eh?